Come Wake me Up
by beckettlovescastlealways
Summary: Set before Hannah leaves. When the world is expecting so much of Brennan what does she do to relieve the numbness? What happens when the others find out? What happens when she takes it to far?
1. Dream

_**A/n I know I should update Stand and Watch but my brain wouldn't let me and tell I wrote this the first chapter is mostly a taste if you like it review if you don't don't read it. I'm not sure how good it is but I like it. The characters may be a little OOC but I will attempt to make them in character**_

_**Warning-blood self harm depression character death suicide **__**DARK**_

_**so with out further ado here's the first chapter of Come Wake Me Up**_

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I can usually drink you right off of my mind

But I miss you tonight

I can normally push you right out of my heart

But I'm too tired to fight

Yeah the whole thing begins

And I let you sink into my veins

And I feel the pain like it's new

Everything that we were,

Everything that you said,

Everything that I did and that I couldn't do

Plays through tonight

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Dream

Brennan's POV

The laughter from the Jeffersonian flitted through the Founding Fathers as Hodgins tried to tell them a story, having trouble through the laughs, of him in college something about his roommate, some vodka and a dollar store water gun.

The group lapses into comfortable silence they keep the quiet over their table until it's broken by Cam seeing the time and announces "Well, I got to go Michelle is home tonight."

"I probably should be heading out to." Hodgins says then looks at Angela, "Need a ride?"he questions

She nods

"I probably should go to." says Sweets

"Ok," Brennan says with a smile in their direction"See you guys tomorrow"

"Bye drive safe" Booth tells them scooting over a few seats to sit by me

"I really should be going as well, Booth."

"Come on, Bones, just one drink please."

"Fine Booth, just /one/"

He raises his glass "here's to partners, to right here, right now.

"To that not changing," I say clinking my glass against his.

The scene from over a year ago fades from my eyes as I crash back to reality.

Booth is with Hannah, he doesn't care.

Angela has Hodgins to care for her.

Sweets has Daisy. And Cam has Paul, she blames me for the team breaking up anyway.

Cam is in charge of the lab and Hodgins is it's largest contributor.

All in all I'm pretty useless.

The scene that less then 12 months ago was pretty much a weekly occurrence was not just a dream. A fantasy

I take the disposable razor blade and slowly pull it across my shoulder,

Twice for hurting Booth

A third for leaving

The fourth for being jealous of Hannah

The fifth is because what my 'friends' would do, how they would feel, if they found out

I watch the blood trickle down my arm in morbid curiosity until it starts to pool in the crook of my elbow and wipe it just before it drips to the floor.

After I finish cutting I take the blade and wrap it in a couple dozen squares of toilet paper and flush it.

I grab some disinfectant and spray it on to my shoulder I half hiss sat the sting but am used to it anymore. I can't let anyone figure it out.

I wrap it I a plain bandage so as not to stain the bed and then proceed to get ready for sleep.

As I lay down I half expect to be greeted by my now constant friend, insomnia, but that was better then the other option of nightmares. I guess the latter one won out as I slowly drift off.

I awake in a dark room with a single light pointed directly at me. The first voice I hear is Booth's "God, Bones why are you so damn selfish, I'm finally happy with Hannah. Don't you see, I never cared about you. You're worthless. Get a sole"

Then Hodgins voice joins in "isn't really that easy for you!? To forget what happened to us! Are you really that emotionless?! That cold?!"

Then Sweets "You don't care. You're a cold fish."

Then I hear Cam's voice. "What happened is you put your own desires ahead of everything else and had a great thing going. You just... you let it fall apart.

Then Angela's voice joins in ". You're going to die alone. How can we be friends?"

The voices seem to get louder and louder until I yell "enough"

I bolt up awake in my bed.

Seeing that I got about an hour and a half of sleep which is double what I normally get I get up and just try writing my book knowing I won't get any more sleep tonight.

I write till I have to get ready for work

Ready to fake being okay in front of the people who know me best.

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This fanfic is a challenge with Rin X Len - Rinto X LenkaBut she's writing hers in a different fandom

please review

until next time

beckettlovescastlealways


	2. Haunted

**a/n chapter two of Come Wake me Up**

* * *

I slowly pull the bandage off my shoulder so I can hopefully stop the scabs from bleeding when it comes off revealing the mess of scars, newly healing, and angry red cuts across my upper arms and inner thighs, I almost cry at the view showing how weak I am. I half hope that one day I cut too deep, let them know how weak I actually am.

I slowly finish getting dressed hoping none of the scabs start to bleed I put a nave blue top on making sure the sleeves cover the lowest scar up to the highest. I hope it will hide any blood that comes if a scab opens up. I put on a nice pair of black dress pants and head for the door.

As I enter the Jeffersonian I do everything that is expected of me as I fake being better then just getting by if that's even what I'm doing. So I smile at the others say good morning when to me it's anything but a /good morning/. I laugh at Angela's joke that everyone had heard before though I feel like crying. I check in with Cam then find myself hoping that we don't have a case so I can hide in Limbo.

As it turns out we don't, which is good because a case means Booth and Sweets that I have to act ok for it's hard enough to pretend in front of Angela, Hodgins and Cam without adding the person who knew me best and the person who deals with emotions everyday I Is basically a human lie detector.

Little did I know that even with all the faking one of them did notice the haunted look in my eyes.

It's lunch time before I finally leave Limbo mostly being habit from days long gone when Booth would come to drag me out for lunch, before he got tired of lying, of pretending to care.

Of coarse my plan to slip out undetected is halted by Cam "You ok, Dr. Brennan?"

"Yeah why wouldn't I be?" I ask with a forced smile hoping she wouldn't notice anything wrong. I note that the lab is mostly empty

"You seemed off this morning." She said with a piercing look in my direction

"It's nothing. I'm fine, I just didn't sleep well last night." I say with a half shrug

"O…k." She says giving me a look I can't quite decipher

"Want to go for lunch? I was about to head to the " I ask hoping to change the subject away from something so close to how messed up, how weak, I am.

She must have known the other conversation was not going to continue "Sure."

As we leave the Jeffersonian I'm so caught up in my head that I don't really hear what she's talking about or notice the big rise in a section of the sidewalk I feel it knock my feet out from under me I feel the near by lamp post grab my shirt sleeve and pull it up to well past my lowest cuts and scars. I don't notice it soon enough with the stumble. I didn't notice until after blood is trickling down my arm I watch it for a second before I realize how noticeable it is and I snap my eyes up to Cam she looks at the scars criss-crossing my upper arm and shoulder and the fresh blood.

Her eyes shoot up and meet mine I see worry and betrayal but not surprise.

"It's nothing." I tell her before she can say anything I turn on my heel and walk quickly back to the Jeffersonian before she can say anything.

* * *

**she's been caught,**

**what do you think?**

**Thanks for reading**

**please review**

Beckettlovescastlealways


	3. Regrets

**A/N wow I haven't ever gotten this big of response to any of my stories after just two chapters so thanks to all those who reviewed or put this story on their alert/favorite lists **

**Sorry for the wait Independence Day and the subsequent family has made it a little crazy in our house and city.**

**But without further ado chapter 3 of Come Wake me Up**

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_**No back up plan, no second chance**_

_**And no one else to blame**_

_**All I can hear in the silence that remains**_

_**Are the words I couldn't say**_

_**There's a rain that will never stop fallin'**_

_**There's a wall that I tried to take down**_

_**What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips**_

_**So I held back and now we've come to this**_

_**And it's too late now**_

* * *

Regrets

When I get to the lab I make a beeline for the bathroom I grab a handful of paper towels and start soaking up the blood. Thankfully it stops bleeding quickly and I can lower my sleeve so it once again covers my scars

I then pull on my lab coat happy it will hide the blood stains on my shoulder, not that you could tell, thankfully navy blue makes it look like it was just a minor stain not blood I throw my lab coat on further covering the marks. I pause for a minute, trying to think of what to do about Cam seeing the cuts.

Would she tell Sweets or Angela?

Would she tell Booth?

If she did what would happen, Sweets would call the hospital, they would force drugs which already aren't working. Booth and Angela would blame themselves, probably think they should've seen it.

So what could I do, Cam is smart enough to know that based on the number and my reaction to her seeing them that it wasn't an accident, that I wanted to keep them hidden. What other conclusion would she come up with but the truth?

I could lie, tell Cam they're from digs or foster care, tell her that I was surprised to see a cut I got a few days ago bleeding so much, tell her I did cut but I stopped years ago (I was at almost 15 years till everything fell apart), tell her anything but the truth, feed her the lies the others beloved so easily but even with all the lying in the world the reaction I had should've been enough for anyone to know. Add the fact that she didn't look all that surprised…I won't lie.

I could run, leave until she forgets, go on a dig, call it a vacation, a sabbatical, just quit, but I won't ruin my family, because they are just that, not by blood but by choice and just as strong… I won't run.

I could face it head on, tell her the truth. And see the pity in her eyes, have them blame themselves for my weakness, that could break the team…I won't tell the truth.

I could tell her that it is none of her business, that wouldn't work, she would be more worried, insist that it is her business. I won't do that

I could pretend it's nothing, pretend that everything is better then fine, that I'm not just barely getting through each day but, That is a lie…I won't pretend

So that leaves avoidance, it couldn't be that hard I have months of paperwork to do, that will be a fine excuse, hopefully no one will question it.

It works for the day until after Hodgins and Angela leave for the day, until I'm alone with my regrets and well after I've slipped off my lab coat.

I hear a knock at my door and see Cam lingering by the door not quite crossing the threshold into my office "Yes, Dr. Saroyan?" I ask looking back at the paperwork already having a pretty good idea what this is about and, I wasn't going to give away how worried I was about how this conversation would go.

"I was thinking about earlier, and no matter what way I spin it I should've known, you weren't ok." She says taking a few steps closer to my desk

"Leave it alone, Cam. It's nothing, I'm fine." I say only then looking up at my boss and friend

"That's bull Dr. Brennan and we both know it." She says not breaking eye contact for more than a split second

What am I supposed to say to that, that I realized that my life mean nothing to me without them, that I am expendable, that I am to _weak_ to live alone now even though I've been alone most my life? Was I supposed to say that I couldn't breath when Booth gambled our partnership when I saw I hurt him crimson blood stained my arm for the first time in over a decade and a half, that it continued for weeks before I went to Maluku where I did it at least three, if not four or five, times a week? Or am I supposed to say that she and Booth and everyone else were right that I am selfish that I am incapable of human emotions but I can feel the slight sting proving I can at least fell pain like any other person?

But instead of answering with any of that, I respond with "What do you want me to say?" In a calm voice we both remain silent for a second, she seems to realize that I'm asking a dozen or more questions in one, am I supposed to lie or tell her everything, tell her not to tell anyone or ask for help, yell and scream and fight or cry and admit everything?

She doesn't answer instead she sighs then says "I will put you on suicide watch they will force drugs. I'll call Sweets."

"Do what you have to and, I will do the same." I say shutting down my computer before trying to leave the room but when I pass by Cam she grabs my wrist barely griping it but I still I turn to look at her but her eye contact doesn't break from mine and instead of seeing anger I see sadness "Let it go, Dr. Saroyan, it's not worth it, I'm not worth it." I say finally leaving my office and the Jeffersonian.

When I get to my car I kick the door before throwing it open and slamming it shut shoving the key in the ignition I pause for a moment as the tears start to spill down my face as I pull out of the parking garage. I make a decision that may hurt them.

But I'm not human.

I won't be grieved for like a human.

* * *

Uh-oh that's not good

please review

until next time

beckettlovescastlealways


	4. Tears

**a/n This is the longest chapter in at least all my Bones fanfiction if not all of my fanfiction it's almost 2,000 words.**

**without further ado chapter 4**

* * *

_**The drastic steps I'm takin'**_

_**Are just an act of desperation**_

_**I knew no one would miss me**_

_**So what the hell**_

_**I fought and lied I drank too much**_

_**Hurt every one I ever touched**_

_**Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell**_

_**This is not some kind of cry for help**_

_**Just good bye I wish you well**_

_**Because I love you**_

_**I'm gonna kill myself**_

* * *

Tears

My hand hesitates over the paper they deserve to know the truth.

I know this will hurt them and, it will deprive families of the truth.

They should know that they're not at fault. That I'm just too weak to keep up the façade that I'm okay

They deserve that, to know why.

_My Family, Angela, Jack, Booth, Cam, Sweets, Zack, Dad, Russ._

_Thank you,_

_For helping and supporting me over these years._

_For loving me and showing me what love is, I know I didn't made it easy._

_It's almost humorous all the lies I have ever told were for one or more of your benefits._

_Don't blame yourselves._

_I just can't compartmentalize anymore._

_I can't lie anymore._

_I've given it my best but, my best hasn't been good enough. It hasn't for a while._

_I have to end my life before you guys realize how broken I am._

_How wrong you to care for me and stop loving me._

_Angela, there was nothing you could've done that would change this outcome, it's been inevitable for awhile now. I love you, more than you'll ever know, I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend you deserve._

_Hodgins, I can't think of anyone more worthy of Angela, please don't let this eat her alive. You are one of the people I trust most. I'm sorry I didn't help you after the gravedigger caught us._

_Cam, you get your job back you're officially the boss again though I can't fathom why you accepted my terms but I am grateful for it. To say we got off to a rough start would be an under statement but I love you. Can I ask you one last thing? Don't let the interns have to leave the Jeffersonian, find someone new to teach them don't let them be punished for their teachers weakness. I'm sorry for not listening._

_Sweets, thank you for putting up with Booth and I all these years and, helping us. You may want to know that you're primary conclusions about Booth and I from your book was right, at least for me, the dam broke. I love you, baby duck. I'm sorry for disrespecting you, that I doubted you repeatedly._

_Zack, you are truly King of the Lab. You are the best forensic anthropologist I ever had the pleasure of working with. I'm sorry for not saving you._

_Dad, I know by doing this I'm negating all that you and Mom did. I'm sorry I'm so broken Daddy. I've tried for years to hide it and I think for these last few years I've been the happiest since I was 15. I'm sorry for the trouble this is going to cause._

_Russ, I never stopped loving you. I'll miss you and, the girls. Please don't hate me for leaving you. I'm sorry for pushing you away all those years. Polo._

_Booth, I'm not quite sure to write you, there was a time not that you knew everything about me. You knew this was a possibility for years now. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance, I couldn't saddle you with my demons. I had many and the trip to Maluku added many more. Please forgive me I just couldn't risk losing you, though I did anyway.  
Do you remember the conversation we had maybe two or three months into our partnership, about how when you go on vacation alone you think about not coming back? Just think of this as though I finally took that to heart and decided not to come back. Please don't stop being… you. I'm sorry I couldn't give you 30, 40, 50, years._

_Dr. Temperance Brennan_

I finish the note signing it with a almost flourish like I would to sign a book or paper work.

I grab two piles of papers one being my most resent books I realize that it would give them more answers then the note ever will and the other is my will.

I had already calculated the lethal dose of the antidepressants and sleeping pills when mixed with alcohol. I planed to take them quickly then to speed up death I would cut my brachial artery and my cephalic and basilic veins on both arms one quick cut just above my elbow. I could cut the carotid or jugular but it would cause massive spray that would make the apartment so bloody and I don't want anyone to find me like that.

I grab the glass of vodka and half of the pills swallowing them with one gulp I repeat the action with the other half I then grab the knife, I had brought it home from one of my digs in Guatemala. The decorations on the handle digging into my palm. I start at the left side of my forearm plunging it in over my brachial artery the blood starts forcing it's way out of the hole I slowly pull it across my arm till the blood turns darker, I had hit the veins. I pull it out and repeat on the other arm. The blood mixes with the tears flowing down my face. The black spots start swimming across my vision , I feel my hand lose it's grip on the knife as my body falls to the ground.

CWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmUCWmU

Cam's POV

Come on, Booth, pick up, pick up. the litany I'm repeating under my breath does no good as Booth doesn't answer any of his phones I've tried them all repeatedly. I slam the phone down when I get another voicemail.

I pick up the phone again but this time instead of Booth I try the next best person thanking god when he answers within the first two rings

"Sweets." He answers and I sigh in relief

"Sweets, I really need you to meet me outside the Jeffersonian." I say

"Ok I'll be there in 5 minutes." He says even as I hear him starting his car

"What's wrong Dr. Saroyan?" He asks barely letting his car stop before he is outside if it walking towards the worried me.

"It's Brennan, she's cutting." I tell the shrink

"Ok, did you call Booth?" Sweets asks me trying to appear calm but completely failing to hide that he's worried for the anthropologist

"I tried to but, he didn't answer." I say not quite hiding my anger at my long time friend.

"Ok and you're worried about her doing what?" He asks me trying to figure out why I told him to meet me over just telling him over the phone "Trying to kill her self?" I flinch at the idea

I don't want the thought to go through my head but the comments she made before she left, I honestly think someone knowing may be the straw that breaks the camel's back I pause before just saying

"Call it a gut feeling but, yes. The way she was acting, the way she was talking…I think she will try to kill herself."

"Ok, let's go." He says turning back to his car

"What do you mean?" I ask my mind reeling after this whole day

"I've been worried about Brennan for quite awhile now, Booth told me I was crazy but, you're telling me something is wrong, quite frankly I trust you and the others over Booth when it comes to her as of late." He says moving to the driver side of the car "I'm going to check on her, it would be awesome if you came incase you're right." He says looking at me over his car with the door open I nod and get in.

The car ride is almost silent except for Sweets' tapping on the steering wheel. My thoughts are running rampant through my head each one more worry some then the previous

We get to her building in record time and barely slowing down so the doorman doesn't stop us we fly up the one set of stairs to floor 2 finding her apartment quickly.

Sweets grabs her doorknob and attempts to turn it neither of us believing that she would leave it unlocked but to our surprise it clicks open

we take a few tentative steps into her apartment before we see Brennan a pool of blood surrounding her coming from her arms a alcohol bottle overturned on the table by a stack of paper a knife resting about two inches from her hand it appeared to have fallen from her hand a few pill bottles spilled the few contents still in them are resting on her kitchen counter.

I rush beside her kneeling right by her arm I check for her pulse and sigh in relief when I find it weak and racing from the blood loss but there. I turn to Sweets "call 911." I tell him he nods leaving the room.

I tear the blanket from the nearby couch ripping a portion of it off and tying it tight just over the slightly shallower cut on the other arm using the other portion to try and slow down the bleeding on the arm closest to me. But I don't know how long that will work. When's the damn ambulance getting here?

I'm answered by Sweets reentering the room I look up at him for a split second "When will they be here." I ask trying to hide my fear, as the blood starts to coat my fingers, that they won't get here soon enough from Sweets.

"They said ETA 6 minutes." He states "What can I do?"

"Check if she took anything and what the hell she took." I say moving my head in the direction of the counter.

"Ok," he says grabbing the two pill bottles "this one is an antidepressant, bupropion hydrobromide aka Aplenzin, if she took a handful of these it could've been enough to force unconsciousness let alone adding this." he says holding up the other bottle "Xanax, powerful used to also stop night terrors and sleep walking."

"Ok what would happen if you took those with alcohol?" I ask knowing the answer but hoping I'm wrong

The look on his face does nothing to comfort me

He is stopped from answering by the emergency services coming in they immediately rush over and one of their hand replace mine over Brennan.

One of the three paramedics starts asking us questions "What happened here?" He asks

"We were worried she couldn't've been here for more then fifteen, twenty minutes before we got here." I say

"When we got here she was unconscious. She had the cuts and everything was a mess. I went to call 911 and Dr. Saroyan stayed in here trying to minimize the bleeding." Sweets adds

"I tied off her left arm best I could and kept pressure on her right um these were on the counter when we came in." I say as Sweets hands him the bottles

"Thank you for all your guys' help." The paramedic says leaving just seconds behind the others. leaving us in her empty apartment

It had been maybe forty-five minutes tops since I talked to Dr. Brennan at the Jeffersonian. God how could the world turn so insane in less the an hour.

I should've done something more, said something more, I can't help but think

Little did I know Sweets was thinking the same thing.

* * *

yay she's not dead

yet maybe I will kill her...

please review

until next time

Beckettlovescastlealways


	5. Loss

a/n Hello I had this chapter 90% finished then family came to town and my life got Insane so so sorry for the delay thank you all for the support this story has gotten

In other news if you like this story be sure to hope on over to my other Bones story Stand and Watch.

Without further ado chapter 5 loss

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_**If anyone asks  
I'll tell them we both just moved on  
When people all stare  
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk  
Whenever I see you I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue  
Pretend I'm okay with it all  
Act like there's nothing wrong**_

_**Is it over yet  
Can I open my eyes  
Is this as hard as it gets  
Is this what it feels like to really cry  
Cry**_

_**If anyone asks  
I'll tell them we just grew apart  
What do I care if they believe me or not  
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart  
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all  
Act like there's nothing wrong  
I'm talking in circles  
I'm lying, they know it  
Why won't this just all go away**_

* * *

Loss

There wasn't much conversation we didn't need it to know that we were going to the hospital

As Sweets drives us to the hospital I try and fail to get a hold of Booth again.

I have more luck with Max, I only have to try one of his numbers to catch him and within two minutes he is on his way to the hospital.

So instead try Hodgins hoping he can tell Angela without her having an all out panic attack I get him on the second ring

"Hodgins." He answers

"Hodgins, it's Brennan…" I pause and take a breath "She's being taken to the hospital." I say hoping my voice doesn't shake

"Cam, what happened?" He asks worry seeping into his voice

I breath "Suicide. She tried to kill herself."

The line is so quiet I'm not sure if he's still there until "you're sure?" He demands sounding terrified

"Yes, Sweets and I were the ones to find her." I attempt to sound calm but hear a small break in my voice

"She was fine." He says his voice holding an emotion I couldn't quite discern

I shake my head despite knowing he can't see "No, she hasn't, I don't think she has for quite a while." I state, the guilt, however irrational it may be, washing over me in waves, thinking I should've seen it sooner, should've done something more.

"I'll tell Ange and we'll be there within the half-hour."

"K, good." Then another thought strikes me "have either one of you been able to get a hold of Booth today?" Maybe they know what's up with Booth "He hasn't answered any of my calls."

"No, remember he said he's gonna take Hannah to that B&B just out of town for the weekend." He says I can almost hear the scowl in his voice

"Great. So he doesn't answer his phone because he's busy screwing his…" I fume under my breath before sighing "If he calls one of you guys, tell him what's going on."

"Yeah on it. See you there." He responds before hanging up

I stare at the phone for a moment then look at Sweets "How is it that a year ago Booth would've been the first to notice something was wrong before it got even remotely this bad but, now we can't even get him to pick up his damn phone."

"I don't think agent Booth actually saw what was going on because of him moving on, he didn't want to see that something was wrong. Dr. Brennan is a good actress when she wants to be, I mean she wouldn't've shown anything but being ok." He states I can't tell if he's telling me or talking to himself but, I can hear him beating himself up for not seeing this coming and stoping it.

We pull up to the hospital not even a whole minute after he says this the emergency room is almost empty save for maybe half a dozen people in the 40 or more chairs

We had been at the hospital for maybe five minutes when Max gets there half yelling half demanding of the nurse at the front desk "My daughter, Temperance Brennan, was brought in, what happened, where is she?"

Me and Sweets slowly inch closer trying to hear and ready to intercede if Max does something that may get him kicked out

"They just took her into surgery." The nurse tells him "A doctor should be out shortly to speak with you."

I look down at at my hands I almost get sick seeing the blood still there. I leave quickly to the bathroom I watch as the pink water runs off my hands into the sink. I watch it snake its way to the drain.

I don't realize that I had been staring at it and had frozen, tears streaming down my face, my mind numb, until there is a click of the door opening and a hand on my shoulder. I snap my head up and meet Angela's eyes "Hey." I whisper my voice breaking

"Hey, Sweets said you left ten minutes ago, sent me to check on you." Angela says voice taut with emotion "You ok?"

"I should be asking you that question." I state wiping the tears from my eyes "I, um, saw a few of her cuts on her shoulder today, asked her about it. Just before she left the Jeffersonian. Called Sweets 'cause I was slightly worried, if it wasn't for him, deciding to check on her, Brennan would be dead." I pause leaning heavily on the sink "How did none of us notice?"

"You know, I've been asking myself that since you called. The only thing that I can think of is that we didn't want to." Angela tells me "But, you and Sweets saved her and, her doctor is supposed to be out soon." She puts her hand out "You, coming?" I nod and grab her out stretched hand

As we return to the waiting room the others look up only for a split second before returning to what they were doing before Angela reclaims the seat by Hodgins resting her head on his shoulder. His face is almost blank but, his eyes betray the shock, guilt and confusion that he is really thinking. How much of a loss he's at, that we all are.

Sweets is not standing still his eyes moving from one poster on the wall to another and another, his leg is bouncing, the paper in his hand is twisting and folding and twisting and unfolding the paper in his hand.

I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Max and Brennan as he paces the length of the waiting room like Dr. Brennan did when Booth was shot, never standing still.

As luck would have it Dr. Foster, Dr. Brennan's doctor, was out talking to Max in under ten minutes

"Mr. Brennan, your daughter was very lucky, if she was found even five minutes later she would've bleed out." I hear a sharp intake of breath behind me and without even looking I knew it was Angela. "We were able to patch up most of the damage but, unfortunately she knew what she was doing. We pumped her stomach and replenished her blood but, she is not out of the woods quite yet but, if she makes it through these next 24 hours she should be fine." the doctor says in a calm voice

"Thank god." slips form my lips almost silently but, it seems to be the general consensus of the room

"Can we see her?" Max asks

"Yes, only two at a time though. She's in room 1485."

"Thank you, doctor." Max says before moving towards the elevator none of us hesitate to follow him

When we get up to the 14th floor Max goes to see his daughter but the rest of us go to the waiting room as we're waiting I try to call Booth again

Bring

Bring

Voicemail

"Seeley, call me when you get this." Is all I say. Perfect I know he had to 'move on' but did he have to not answer his fucking phone. I scoff out loud but otherwise don't show any indication of my thoughts

"Booth?" Hodgins asks I nod "didn't answer." He more states then asks

I still answer "Yeah, hasn't all night."

"Wonderful" he says sarcastically but before the others can join in Max comes out Sweets and I look toward the others when they look at us almost asking if they should go I nod and sweets motions for them to go

The three of us left sit in silence as Angela and Hodgins leave Sweets is still fidgeting and Max is still pacing until Max breaks it. "You know between you lot and Booth I'm never going to pay all the debts I have. I mean you guys saved her life." He tells us

I see Sweets look down suddenly finding his shoes immensely interesting and I feel like a cold hand snaked around my stomach and is squeezing it.

When neither of us answer Max doesn't speak again and we fall back into silence that is only broken when Hodgins and Angela come back to the room

Me and Sweets then get up and slowly walk to the room

We kind of linger in the doorway for a moment I look her over the white sheets replace the red pools of blood that were under her, the gauze covers the huge cuts and the steady beep of the machine is in place of the terrifying silence from the last time we saw her

And for what feels like the millionth time that night I thank God she's alive

After tonight I realize just how much of a loss the team is without her

I pray she stays that way do the loss isn't permanent.

* * *

Why isn't Booth answering?

until next time

please review

beckettlovescastlealways


	6. Mercy

_**I'm so sorry for how long this chapter took this chapter came to me by sentences. So annoying. But I am and I do have a fairly good idea how the next chapter is gonna shape out so it shouldn't be so long of wait. **_

_**Thanks to all who favorited or followed or reviewed this story.**_

* * *

_**We've been driving down this highway**  
**Now we're out of gas, too far outta town**  
**Oh here we are all tangled up and sideways**  
**You're all broken down, yeah I'm breaking down**  
**I'm just too selfish I guess**  
**I know you're tired and restless**  
**It's no surprise we've come undone**  
**But I can't unlove you just because**  
**You say it's better in the long run**  
**Oh maybe somewhere a little down the line**  
**I'll get a little better leaving us behind**  
**Maybe someday, Oh I'll be fine.**  
**Oh and you'll move on and I will too**  
_**_But still I don't see gettin over you_**

* * *

Mercy

Hodgins POV

"Come on, Booth, answer your fucking phone." I fume into the phone's voicemail, when Cam and Sweets left I had tried the agent knowing Cam hadn't had any luck earlier but he hadn't answered me either I really hope he is enjoying his weekend because although this going off the grid thing wasn't even the most assholeish move he's pull in the past few months, I had seen first hand and heard about it from Angela as she ranted of the things Brennan had mentioned to her in passing. I knew if he wasn't avoiding us and Dr. B then he was shoving Hannah in her face, it is the worst timing he's had. I knew it was breaking her.

How the hell did any of us let it get this far. I get Booth, he didn't want to see what his 'moving on' did to his partner. But the rest of us got a front row seat to her self destruction. Angie mostly shrugged it off thinking it was that her best friend had just realized what she lost but she still tried to keep worried eye on her. I had seen her pulling away from us and didn't do anything, why the hell didn't I do anything? Why didn't any of us?

I look over at my wife I know her back is killing her, being well into her second trimester. I observe as she almost dozes off then jerks awake. I turn to Max "Tell the others I'm taking Angela home." I state getting up and helping my wife up I can tell she's exhausted because I barely get a mumbled protest to going home.

I need to do something to feel useful and as I pull out of the parking spot I realize one thing I can do I can attempt to pull Booth's head out of his ass.

I drop Angela off and make sure she actually goes to bed before leaving thanking God for the lack of traffic I remember Booth bragging about how nice it was at the lab earlier this week as luck would have it I had taken Angela there just before we left for our trip.

The main area with the lobby is at the head of the parking lot when I pull in there are six room on either side of it. I spot Booth's car almost immediately parked right in front of one if the doors I pull up beside his walking up to the door I slowly raise my hand and pound the door three times I see a sliver of light shine under the door the chain rattles as the door opens to reveal a very annoyed and slightly confused Special Agent Seeley Booth.

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Brennan's POV

WhenThe first thing I note through the blackness is that I'm laying down on something kind of rough but, not rough like burlap but it wasn't super soft and it was almost definitely fabric.

When I try to open my eyes but they feel like weights are holding them closed. Instead of straining against them I try to figure out how I got wherever I am. I smell antiseptic and rubber gloves. I also hear an annoying beeping sound. So the logical conclusion is I'm in a hospital but, why.

I start thinking then I remember the last day in flashes. cutting and patching myself up. Going to work and hiding in limbo. Cam finding out. Hiding until she came in later trying to help. The alcohol. The pills. The knife gliding across my skin. Blood. Then blackness

But I don't think I'm dead, if I was, my heart wouldn't be pounding in my ears. I would feel something, anything but the numbness that has engulfed me this past year. But not  
being dead begs the question, why.

I think and think but I can't figure out why I'm not, I mean logic tells me someone saved me but, I can't think of anyone who would care. I'm useless, expendable...weak. my thoughts are cut off by a voice I can't tell, through the haze I seem to be in, whether it's male or female let alone who it is but I can narrow it down to who it likely is, more likely then not it's one of my family, I do hear the hurt in their voice, one of the few emotions I can pick up.

I'm the one hurting them. They weren't supposed to know until I was dead.

What did they see that I didn't, that makes me worth getting upset about, caring about, me, I'm worthless, replaceable, weak, I've been told and shown many times over the years. By foster families, and lovers and most recently by the ones I care about most.

Trying to ignore the voice I allow the fog to consume me back into a world of unknowing but I find it's not as calm as I had hoped for as I'm tossed into a nightmare, so similar to the ones I had nightly until that one finished as I finally cried mercy against the cutting words of my friends I move to the next

it is not a dream or even a nightmare but memory I'm sixteen again as my foster father is beating down on me until he yanks me by my hair to the trunk of their old car as I repeat a plea of "please don't"s and "I'm sorry"s as the trunk slams shut until two days later when he rips it open and hauls my weak body out and proceeds to take the one thing he hadn't taken till that point then taking his knife and marking me as his. I was too weak then.

Then it suddenly stops and I'm in a dirt cell the man standing over me isn't of Indonesian decent so this isn't from just seven months ago the man reaches back to hit me I raise my hand that he had left untied from the sparse dinner he gave and block the hit pulling him to the ground before I know it he has the upper hand and is punching and kicking me all over he doesn't have a chance to go further before the police arrive. I was too weak then.

The next memory is from only months ago I'm to weak to stop the attacks over the month.

Then it all freezes I feel a hand near my face I reach up to hit it away and I feel my real hand come into contact with someone else's the night mare shatters as my eyes bolt open for a moment before I squeeze them shut again from the light right above my head I feel my chest almost heaving from the ragged breaths I'm taking I hear the same voice talking to me, the same one that was talking to me in the darkness.

I hear a flick as the light is turned off and I ease my eyes open slowly.

* * *

the dreams are a mix of what we've heard on the show with my brain filling in where need be.

she's awake

please review

until next time

beckettlovescastlealways


	7. Hatred

**A/N thanks to all who reviewed, my posts may be slightly slower as on the 4th I'm going back to school, I'll be a high school freshman. **

**Any way, here's chapter 7**

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**_Put your best face on for the world  
Fake another smile and just pretend  
But you're just puttin' off the pain  
Nothing's ever really gonna change  
3:28 in the morning  
Countin' up the spaces between the rain  
You're gettin' used to the rocks at the bottom  
Your heart goes numb, but the lonely stays the same  
And that's the price you're bound to pay  
And there's really nothing anyone can say  
Oh, there's only just one way  
So let it hurt, let it bleed  
Let it take you right down to your knees  
Let it burn to the worst degree  
May not be what you want, but it's what you need  
Sometimes the only way around it  
Is to let love do it's work  
And let it hurt  
Yeah, let it hurt  
You might just find you're better for it  
When you let go and you learn_**

* * *

Hatred

Booth's POV

I'm jerked awake from a semi-peaceful slumber by a banging. I bolt into a sitting position on the bed looking over to Hannah to find her still asleep. I turn on the lamp beside my bed and get out of bed. I look at the blurry clock 3:38 am

I pull on a pair of old army sweats and put on a button up shirt not even bothering to button it up before looking through the peep hole too see Hodgins, what is he doing here.

I knew I needed to move on and, what the Squints and Sweets think, who they think I should be with, wasn't going to change, _she _once claimed they they were my squints, she was wrong, they may be more my squints then any of the other FBI agents they worked with previously but in the end they were her squints. _I_ gave her a chance, _she_ turned me down. I have Hannah. I needed to **_move on_** from her.

I gambled and I lost.

But I've come to face moving on from her is impossible, the diamond hard, mile high walls she has erected around her heart keeps all those who aren't willing to work out but once you get a taste, a look at, what's inside you're hooked on one of the strongest addictions I've ever know. You can't walk away. The stronger the addiction the worse the withdrawal.

So I pushed them all away in the hopes I could, not forget, but move on at the very least. And I almost did it, the no contact for seven months almost did that. Then I came back, I was bitter, 7 months and she couldn't pick up a phone but then I saw the look in her eyes her actions, heard her explain that she was just as, if not more, cut off from the others, from me.

She pulled me back in telling me about how the locals weren't happy with the dig. How they sabotaged it in various ways until it all came to a head three months in, she told me about what she sacrificed for almost a month until she could escape by pure luck and, another sacrifice.

I needed to put space between us, save myself. I ask her about meeting anyone special. I told her about Hannah. Put all the space I could and then some between me and her and by extension the squints.

As I pulled the door opened, it revealed how angry Hodgins was… perhaps angry was the wrong word I hadn't seen this much hatred directed at me in any of the squints eyes in several years. I was uneasy but I wasn't going to show him that.

"What do you want, Hodgins?" I demand in a voice maybe too harsh but it's nearin 4 in the morning on a Saterday morning after a impossibly draining week.

"Thought you should know, your _partner _is in the hospital." He says with a glare shot in her direction he continues "as you couldn't answer your phone for over six hours..."

I had of course heard my phone ring but had ignored it. Grabbing it from the table near the door I look at the missed calls, almost a dozen from Cam starting near nine, half a dozen from Sweets and Hodgins, five from Angela and, even two from Max and nearly as many voicemails and upwards of forty texts all within the last six hours I also noticed the distinct lack of calls from Bones

"What happened?" I ask stepping past the threshold out in to the brisk October night

"She tried to kill herself, damn near succeed."

"What?" I ask, she had told me about her past how she had cut previously but she told me she stopped, _she told me she was fine_. **how long ago was **_**that**_. a voice in my head asks me "When?"

"About ten tonight." He says with a look that I can't quite discern

"Can you take me to her?" I ask knowing that I needed to be there if only for myself.

He doesn't say anything just walks to his car, before he gets in he looks at me "you coming?" He ask getting in and bringing the engine to life I slip in quietly

The ride is silent for the first ten minutes "You blame me." I state breaking the ringing silence

"Damn right I blame you, Booth. _You_ left."

What the hell was he talking about I had told him and Angela what happened a few weeks before we left "_I_ asked _her_ to give me a chance, _she_ turned _me_ down." I remind him "_She_ chose to leave first. _She_ didn't contact me for _seven_ months."

He pulls over to the side of the road "_you_ asked the person you, of all people should, know you can't rush to gamble on her best friend, her partner, and, when she couldn't at a seconds notice _you_ told her you needed to find someone who could love you. _She_ got the _offer_ first, _she_ was going to talk to you, _you_ told her you were leaving. _You_, came back with your serious-as-a-heart-attack girlfriend, Desert Storm Barbie, 7 months after telling her you love her." He says in an eerily calm voice never breaking away from my eye contact "So, though it may not be entirely your fault, hell it's all our faults, you have a pretty big chunk of the blame."

He pulls back out into the nearest lane. The rest of the drive to the hospital is covered in thick silence

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The thoughts from the dream swirl through my head mixing with my real thoughts in the end fact mixes with fiction until my normally rational mind can't distinguish between the two I feel my heart race and I'm hot, sweating_** ...they know, they'll hate you they're going to leave you just like everyone else...**_ a voice says, the world spins as my breath goes shallow, I'm hyperventilating, I can't slow my breath, too much oxygen causing the same result as having to little, I hear a different voice "...Dr. Brennan, you're okay..." This one doesn't sound like it's in my head

In a split second of clarity I realize I'm having a panic attack, I had them before, I knew I needed to ground myself, but I didn't have my keys to hold, to prove I'm safe, I move towards the wall putting my back against it, I hear the monitor beeping. I put my head against my knees.

I look up at a soft touch to my hand and meet Cam's eyes "Brennan, What's wrong?"

"They can't know. Hate me, lying. They'll leave, didn't mean to hurt them." I can't get a full sentence out

"Dr. Brennan, you need to slow down your breathing." She says graving my hand lightly "here, copy me." She pulls in her breath for one, two seconds the releases repeating until I've slowed my breathing, "no one is going to leave you." She says looking at me as I start to see the world clearly "you're going to be okay."

I'm fine, I'm safe.

What did he tell me last time, distract myself okay _Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron_, _Carbon_…, I start listing the elements trying to distract my mind_ …Nitrogen, Oxygen, Fluorine, Neon, Sodium, Magnesium, Aluminum, Silicon, __Phosphorus...,_ my breathing slows I feel myself come out of it I hear a nurse come into the room out of the cormorant of my eyes I see Sweets, just inside the room

"Miss Brennan, all your moniters spiked, are you okay? Oh, you pulled your IVs out." The nurse says grabbing the needles laying by the bed I feel my entire body tense when she grabs my arm I know I'm not completely out of the panic attack I try not to struggle to get my arm free Sweets or Cam must have noticed because someone makes a noise and she lets go.

I hear footsteps and a new voice tells the nurse "Sedate her." The nurse nods and puts something in my reinserted IV a tunnel of grey clouds my vision until blackness fills it completely.

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Sweets POV

"Has this ever happened before?" asks the doctor when Dr. Brennan is sedated

"Not that I'm aware of." I answer as Cam shakes her head

"Aren't you her psychologist?" He half demands half accuses

"Dr. Brennan's foster care file is closed, even to me, most of her digs outside the country are also highly classified and, she doesn't put much stock in psychology and as I am her _colleague_ she thinks if she tells me too much about her past I'll think of her as weak. So, though yes, I am her psychologist but, no, I have no knowledge as to weather or not she has previously had panic attacks. She just got back from a dig in Maluku, Indonesia. If I were you I would check with the medical doctor there." I keep my voice mostly calm but, the doctors words are correct how could I not know, she was depressed and, if this wasn't the first, about the panic attacks, I see her at least once a day.

so much for being a trained psychologist

How could she have kept this hidden from us?

And what else was she hiding?

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I'm not sure if I described the panic attack or even self harm/depression so if anyone sees something wrong pm me or review I Am trying to make it as realistic as possible but I only have experience as the loved one not the one going though this

Thank you for reading

please review

until next time,

beckettlovescastlealways


	8. Lies

A/n sorry I haven't updated this week, I'm already getting a lot of homework, guess that's what I get for taking a bunch of honors classes.

In better news only ten days until Bones is back.

Thank you to those who have reviewed or followed/favorited this story

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**_When the weight of the world_**

**_Bears down so strong it_**

**_Leaves footprints on the street_**

**_And theres too many miles to face_**

**_Without a few more hours sleep_**

**_The storm clouds overhead won't shed_**

**_Any rain to quench your thirst_**

**_I wanna be the one you reach for first_**

**_When your faith is stretched so thin  
_**

**_That you can see right through your soul_**

**_And you cant find a nickel to buy a smile cuz all ur pockets all got holes_**

**_You wanna shut the door and_**

**_Hide before the day can get much worse_**

**_I wanna be the one you reach for first_**

**_Fall into me  
_**

**_My arms are opened wide_**

**_And you dont have to say a word_**

**_Cuz I already see_**

**_That it's hard_**

**_And you're scared_**

**_And you're tired_**

**_And it hurts_**

**_And I wanna be the one you reach for first_**

**_The storm clouds overhead won't shed_**

**_Any rain to quench your thirst_**

**_I wanna be the one you reach for first_**

* * *

Lies

Brennan's POV

I hadn't meant to take it this far, if I were to be honest, which I pride myself on being, I should've told one of them, not Booth, as soon as I even felt the urge to cut. I knew from past experience how fast one scratch turns into, one cut turns into a rope.

I had lived it before, it had reached it's peak three months after I aged out of the system, I had held the gun all night, held the cold steel of the weapon to my head for almost five minutes before I put it down, my room mate came back to the dorm when I still had it laying limp by my side. She reminded me I had a lot of people to prove wrong, stayed up with me

she was right

My parents.

Russ.

The foster dad who beat me daily.

The kids at school.

My teachers.

My old social worker.

The system.

Statistics.

I took it to heart, stopped completely three years after that. I finished my undergraduate degree after that and went on to get my multiple doctorates I know I proved at least the last one wrong.

I made it through Michael with out doing a single cut

I didn't give into the temptation after getting kidnaped and tortured in El Salvador

I hit ten years of no cutting

I didn't cut when I found my mother or when Cam was placed in over my head.

One of the hard moments was the weeks after Hodgins and I had a run in with the gravedigger, between that and my father, and someone I dated murdering his brother and, of course, Epps.

The hardest time was when my dad was on trial then, Booth was shot and Zack's subsequent betrayal.

I didn't when Booth was kidnapped by the Gravedigger

I didn't cut when I relived my past for Sweets sake.

Through Booth's coma I didn't cut or even think about it too much.

I hit fifteen years

Then I hurt Booth.

After that I cut once

Fifteen years, eight months and 19 days after the last one.

He assumed I was leaving, he had that little faith in me.

Five cuts

I did leave.

Eight cuts

Three months later, I put myself between the angry locals and my team on the dig, got myself kidnaped, the tortured me in every way they could think of, for one month. I still feel the warm steel of the gun as it went off, aimed at the men.

Ten cuts, for being weak.

Another seven for how many lives I took that day

I couldn't let the others know, I couldn't have them look at me and see pity in their eyes. So I worried them, and I took whatever blame they wanted to throw my way, the team breaking up, the fact that Booth and I aren't together, getting personally involved in a case.

I took it all until I couldn't.

There were moments when I almost broke, told one of them, when I told Angela I dreamed of Booth, about the cases we do. I tried not to take her comment to heart, she didn't need to know what was happening when I was awake, how much I craved the cases because that meant I was safe.

When Cam had blamed me for the team breaking up, I hid the hurt behind my walls, she didn't want to know how much I wish I hadn't left.

When Booth not so quietly blames me for our lack of contact, I bite back the scream in my throat, he didn't know I was in a dirt cell for almost a month or in the hospital for another one and a half.

They didn't know.

They didn't need to.

I hear a few words from someone in the room "Booth…fault… love… him."

I almost laughed, they would think that it was Booth turning me down that lead to this, they didn't know that this had been coming since just after my parents abandoned me. I care for Booth as I do Russ, I just had my world turned upside down for three days. I adjusted, or I thought I did.

I should've done it somewhere no one would look for me. I shouldn't have done it according to the vague plan I have had for months now, I shouldn't've done it after a fight, I should've postponed, I knew they would blame themselves, but I never wanted anyone of them to feel guilty, it was my choice. I hear voices again but this time it sounded like arguing I can't hear much I crack my eyes open to see Booth and Cam fighting or at least that's what it looked like, Booth's hand was clenching and unclenching beside him and Cam's entire body was tense but, oddly they weren't yelling they made all the motions for it but at best it was as loud as there normal talking voice usually quieter. The logical conclusion was they thought I was still unconscious.

What are they arguing about?

"…fault… told … truth… partner…Hannah... fault… one… everyday yet none…saw… wrong… just… much… blame..."

"Seeley… your fault… left,… proved her right… everyone… leaves. she… stop… rest… we wouldn't leave…left…" I hear from Cam missing at least half the sentence:5'

"…none…notice… pushing… away? Aren't… brilliant… could… something… wrong?"

I don't need to the hear everything to get a general idea, their playing the blame sport and by the look on Cam's face Booth may have just won

"… right… didn't… on us… you were… abandoned… Abandoned us" She demands

"I… Hannah…."

"…girlfriend… abandon… partner… years?" Cam asks

They're both silent for a moment then Booth turns and leaves the room

great now I'm more confused what were they fighting about

Booth's POV

When we get to the correct floor of the hospital Hodgins parts with one more glare shot my way he moves to the waiting room I don't waste time and walk to the room Hodgins told me she was in I slowed only slightly when I got near the door when I get there Sweets almost immediately notices me and stands he gives me a look I haven't seen before when he gets right beside me he pulls me out to the hallway

"You need to choose, all in or walk away and, let her go. No more of this half in half out crap you have going on." He says

"I have Hannah, I have let her go." I tell him

"That's bullcrap, Booth, if you're gonna let her go then actually do it." He says leaving

Ok he blames me too, great. Maybe he doesn't blame me as much as Hodgins and probably Angela but still I'm not completely at fault. I may not know Bones as well as once did but I do know it would take more then just me to push her to this point.

I slowly walk into the room and see Cam sitting in a chair right in view if the door. It's odd, I would think Sweets would stay in here between the two, I look at my friend of over fifteen years and, I think I have seen her like this maybe five times or so most of them between the time her mom was diagnosed with cancer and her funeral I wonder why she seems like that, if I recall correctly her and Bones aren't supper close, out of all the Squints closest to me and farthest from Bones but, she seems more shaken by this then Hodgins was, and he's always been on Bones's side. I look my old friend over again and am surprised to see blood along her nails. I can't figure out why then I vaguely remember Hosgins mentioning that Cam and Sweets found her, that they were worried and they went to check on her. One question keeps going through my mind why didn't they call me?

Her eyes snap up to me

Did I really just say that out loud?

The look she gives me says that I did and stands up "We tried, over and over, you didn't answer."

I wince at the comment I wait then say "Why are you all so mad at me. It's not like I'm the one who caused her to do it."

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, "May as well have."

"This is my fault? I told her the truth, she's my partner I have Hannah. How's it my fault? I'm not the one who sees her everyday yet none of you saw something was wrong, you guys are just as much to blame as me." God, why am I always the one to blame all I did was move on, was I supposed to stay and make myself miserable? I ignore the voice in my head telling me she didn't.

"Seeley, it's a good portion your fault, you left, you proved her right, that everyone eventually leaves. Of course she would try to stop the rest of us, so we wouldn't leave." In a perfectly calm voice only ridding slightly

"Then why did none of you notice she was pushing you away? Aren't you guys brilliant? How could you not see something was wrong?" I see her face change and I knew I had just driven into dangerous territory

"You're right, we didn't, that's on us, but, you were the one who abandoned her, abandoned us." She almost yells or growls

"I have Hannah now." Wow strong argument Booth real strong one.

"Your new girlfriend means you abandon your partner of how many years?" Cam asks

I do an about-face and leave the room I can't help but think about the last things we said, I have Hannah, like she's an obligation, not I love Hannah was Cam right? Did I abandon her?

Cam's POV

When Booth leaves the room I can't help but wonder why I didn't, out of all of us Brennan would probably want to see Booth or Angela, not me or Sweets or even her dad

Why then did she not tense when I touched her, a little voice in my head points out she trusts me more then a nurse. Why did Sweets leave then, if it's just about trust, she trusts him, plus he's the one who was trained for that kinda stuff.

I slowly move away from the end of the bed and fall into the chair I was in previous to the fight. I wonder why I was on Brennan's side in this whole love triangle, if it is even a love triangle anymore maybe Brennan did move on. But who the fuck knew we had all let her push us away hell if we didn't notice this then how much more could she have hid from us?

I look over back at Brennan and almost jump out of my skin as I see Brennan's eyes open "Hey," I say looking at her "Thank God, you're awake." I press the button to call the nurse "Booth just left." I say not mentioning the fight me and him had prior to that

"I saw." Her voice crackles from lack of use

"Brennan, you okay." Wow stupid question Cam, now try to back out of that one "I mean…" I'm cut off by her answering

"Cam, I'm fine."

"Okay, now how about the truth."

She's stopped from answering by a nurse coming into the room

"Oh Dr. Brennan, you're awake, we didn't expect you to wake up until late this morning." She says in a way that reminds me strongly of Daisy she flutters around and takes her vitals

When she pushes Dr. Brennan's sleeve up to check her wounds I am shocked at the number of old scars and fairly new cuts just along the area that was reveled I had seen only a small portion of these before and it's like a punch in the gut to see how much we truly failed her.

When she finishes taking off the bandage I see how deep she truly cut, she damn near hit bone. But I don't need to see that to know I still feel the warm blood seep through me fingers as I try to make it stop.

Standing up I speak "I'll, um, go tell the others that your awake." slowly moving toward the edge of the room I look toward Brennan to see if she's okay with me leaving when she nods I turn down the hall way to the waiting room.

* * *

what do ya think

please review

until next time

beckettlovescastlealways


	9. Nightmare

So sorry this took so long, I'm not even a month in to high school but I'm already swamped, to add to the mountains of homework the teachers are giving us I have three songs to memories in less the two weeks for home coming marching band, drivers ed. And swimming. And people are telling me I should get more involved, they don't realize I'm at school from 7:15 to at least 5 if not 6:30 or later and even on weekends aren't safe from school work.

but anyway without further ado chapter 9

* * *

It's like a storm  
That cuts a path  
It breaks your will  
It feels like that  
You think you're lost  
But you're not lost on your own  
you're not alone  
I will stand by you  
I will help you through  
When you've done all you can do  
If you can't cope  
I will dry your eyes  
I will fight your fight  
I will hold you tight  
And I won't let go  
It hurts my heart  
To see you cry  
I know it's dark  
This part of life  
Oh it finds us all  
And we're too small  
To stop the rain  
Oh but when it rains

* * *

Nightmare

Cam's POV

As I'm walking toward the waiting room I notice that our group is the only one still there, pulling out my phone I see that the time is just after five. 'Why didn't they kick me or Sweets out of the room? It was well past visiting hours end.'

I decide to ask the doctor later, maybe. As I get closer I see that though our group is still here but, Booth isn't, 'did he even come here after he left?'

I try and put it out of my head, telling myself if ask Hodgins or Sweets when the ex-con wasn't in the room "she's awake." I tell them "Her doctor should be out soon."

The Doctor comes out not two minutes after I finish the sentence he starts to talk to Max most directly but the rest of us are listening

"Mr. Keenan, your daughter is awake and responsive."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"You can go in and see her but, only for a few minutes each, she needs her rest."

"Okay, thank you." Max says slowly makes his way to her room

As soon as he's out of earshot I speak "Hodgins, can I talk to you for a moment?" I motion toward the corner of the room he nods and follows, "Where is Angela."

"Took her home about three hours ago, she needed actual rest. She'll probably be back in about an hour or two."

"Booth? Did he come here after he left the room."

"He left? I thought he was still with Dr. B, he looked pretty guilty when I told him what happened." He says slightly shocked, but not sounding full out surprised, a part of him was expecting Booth to leave

"It's my fault, we got in a argument, he left." I reveal

"O…Kay, Cam, you argued, not all that surprising that you did, but he's the one who left, that is not your fault."

I hesitate then switch gears, "None of us are going to work Monday, are we?" Knowing as the 'boss' I could force them to but also knowing no work is going to actually done in the lab for awhile.

"Well Dr. B is not leaving here, Ange isn't leaving her side if she can help it. We're her family, even if she does have her blood family back, she still thinks they're going to leave, so I'm not gonna leave if I can help it." He does a kinda half laugh "So, no I don't believe we're going to work anytime soon, but you know, that's technically up to you."

"Yeah, I figured you would say something similar to that." I say with a half smile "I'll go in and write up the paperwork for the next three work days and put Dr. Brennan on a sick leave, for at least today, until any of us know the next few steps."

He nods and moves back over to talk to Sweets, I move toward the elevator clicking the button, maybe slightly too hard, and slide in.

When I finally get to theJeffersonian I had to walk there because I had gotten a ride from Sweets last night, it's nearing the time for most the employees of the Jeffersonian to get to work if it was a week day, but, several of them are at work despite the fact they don't need to, they're passionate about their work, they had to otherwise they wouldn't be working at one of the most prestigious museums in the world. It's that work ethic that made it hard to explain why three people from one department would all leave, with not even a twenty-four hour warning take a day, if not two or three days, off, add that to me putting Brennan on her never used sick days for an undetermined length of time, I knew the board would eventually ask questions, probably sooner then I'd like.

As I walk out I nearly run into Wendell on my way out of my office "Wendell, what are you doing in so early on a Saturday?" Knowing Brennan hadn't given any work that should've taken more then a work day

"I'm looking for Dr. Brennan, she's usually here on Saturdays." The intern tells me still half looking for his teacher

"Wendell, can you come into my office, please?" I ask motioning from the direction I had come from

I barely have time to close the door before he starts talking "Something happened to Dr. Brennan, didn't it? She hasn't been acting okay, even before she left, but it was even worse after she came back." He says in one quick breath

I bite my lip, how does the intern who sees her less then one week a month notice something's wrong with her but those of us who consider ourselves friends and see her everyday not see anything, "Yes, Wendell, something did happen to Dr. Brennan, there was a bit of an… incident last night, she's in the hospital," I try not to tell him about why she's there, that much should be up to her.

"She did it to herself, didn't she?" He says when I look at him shocked he shrugs "Some of the people in my old neighborhood would look like that right before they tried. I had tried to talk to her a few weeks ago, didn't do much I guess."

"Wendell, it's not your fault."

"Dr. Saroyan, when all us interns got back, Daisy mentioned that something happened in Maluku, to Dr. Brennan, she didn't go into details but she said it was really bad."

I don't answer, just nod slowly, a rock sinking in my stomach.

Brennan's POV

When my Dad comes into my room, it's awkward for lack of a better word, it's like he's trying way to hard I already feel smothered.

Hodgins comes in next, after a few not so good beginnings we get into a comfortable, familiar, balance of professional worry and friendship, he didn't tell me he was as worried for me as I knew he was and I didn't explain in every detail why I had taken the actions I had, he was okay with just general facts for now.

Sweets is the hardest one, we didn't talk much but he looked even younger then he usually did.

Angela just cried I held her, promised I wouldn't do it again, maybe I shouldn't have told her that, I can't make promises that I won't, I'll do my best for this not to happen again.

I don't know why I'm disappointed not to see Cam, I had already seen her. I also didn't know why I wasn't completely disappointed to not see Booth. Trying to ignore both these thoughts, I don't notice my eyes start to get heavy until I'm asleep.

This nightmare is worse then the others it blurs and bleeds between reality and fiction

I'm once again hanging by the chains digging into my wrists, another set pulling my entire body down trying to stretch me apart-reality

But it's not in a dirt cell in Maluku, it's the Jeffersonian Medico/Legal Lab- fiction

I feel the pain as the metal pole hits my chest and stomach over and over- reality

But the few times I look up at my 'captor' it's Booth or Angela or Hodgins or Cam- fiction

I struggle against the restraints even if this is a dream it hurts I yank and pull at my wrists until they bleed

I'm shocked awake when I feel a hand on my arm. My body spasms, my hand flys over to the hand that's still by my body grasping the wrist hard as I flip my body over heart still pounding my breath ragged I'm surprised to see that my hand is grabbing Cam's wrist I release almost automatically.

I had known when I was waking up from my nightmares it wasn't smart for other people to be in the room, once in a blue moon I would do so calmly but other wise I have been told it's terrifying. The sight of her purpling wrist and upon slightly closer inspection I see another one forming along her jaw, 'I did this?' I think knowing that it had to have been me.

Her eyes though never waver they don't show fear or anger, "Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks quietly still looking at me, why wasn't she leaving? Doesn't she see that being friends with me, caring about me is dangerous? I shake my head not yet trusting myself to speak "Okay." She agrees

Maybe I should tell her, but then they'll all leave, she's not leaving now and whatever she thinks happened is probably worse then what actually happened. "Do you actually want to know?" I ask after a moment of silence

"If you want to tell me." Is her response

I think for a moment, she was giving me the perfect out to talking about this but the bruise along her jaw reminds me why she deserves to know at least the basics the bandages on my arm remind me than they haven't left yet and, they've seen some of the pretty bad stuff I had kept hidden from them, taking a deep breath I nod and begin telling her what had happened in Maluku.

I really hope they don't leave.

* * *

what is she going to tell , do you think?

are you ready for season ten of Bones?

thanks for reading,

until next time,

beckettlovescastlealways


	10. Letters

**I was going to put Booth in this chapter but the ideas ran away from me, I promise Booth will be in the next chapter with an explanation and, after getting yelled at, a little more Boothy behavior.**

**For those who have not watched the premier, SPOILER ALERT, I actually cried when they killed Sweets, then I tried writing the Booth's POV, which was supposed to be before this bit and have Sweets in it, I just couldn't write it. So I wrote this bit, which is actually over a average chapter length, and will include a large Booth/Sweets scene in the next chapter. Rest in peace Lance Sweets, best wishes to John on his directing and writing**

**WARNING mentions of torture in this chapter don't like, don't read.**

* * *

_**If we're fighting,  
we're both losing;  
we're just wasting our time  
Because my scars,  
they are your scars and your world is mine  
You and I,  
we all bleed red,  
we all taste rain,  
all fall down,  
lose our way  
We all say words,  
we regret,  
well cry tears,  
we all bleed red  
Sometimes we're strong,  
sometimes we're weak,  
sometimes we're hurt and it cuts deep  
We live this life,  
breath to breath,  
we're all the same;  
we all bleed red**_

* * *

Letters

Brennan's POV

I hesitate for a moment more, trying to figure out the best place to start, I figure that it's best to start at the beginning I take a deep breath then start

"We had known the locals weren't all that happy with us, but the government had offered protection." I scoff, "I think we all knew it wasn't going to do much good when they decide to stop us. The first three months there were… minor occurrences, slashed tires minor tools broken, one time they shot it in empty tent, had they have tried half an hour before or after the tenant would've had a dozen or more people in it, all of them were scare tactics, they worked on a few people, but not with most, I just kept the gun on my waist, I knew would want to do me much good when they tried to attack us, but I knew if others were with me, there a better chance of escaping." I pause debating how much detail to tell her

"About three months after I got there, a team of five of us was going to dig site seven, the furthest away from base camp, this was a week or so after the tent, we believe that they had wanted to shoot us or kill us, it was poor planning on their part that saved us. So when we heard them around the dig site in the forest, we decide it's better to cut our losses for the day and leave, we later found out they sent two guerrillas of six people. But we got to the Jeep, they had cut the gas line, we can to get the jeep to move, we cannot leave the dig site without the protection it gave us, it was too long walk, too dangerous, the security guard couldn't protect all of us, I told him and three of the others to run to dig site six, no more than half a mile away wouldn't have taken more than 15 minutes and that's with them walking lower them out their average speed, when they left, I took out my gun, ready for to protect me and the other doctor, Dr. Makayla Kelly, Mak, everybody called her Mak, out of the University of Sydney, I told her to leave with the others, but both of us had been on too many digs to believe this was going to end well."

I pause, taking a deep breath, Mak had been… friend more than a colleague, about 90% of the digs I have ever been on, she had been on for a for at least part of it, we had met when we had both been in Guatemala, identifying victims of genocide, it was both of our first digs, just over six weeks, not long by either of our standards now, but to a couple of 23-year-olds, having never left our countries for more than two or three weeks , being told to bunk with people whom a lot of times you would never been to their country let alone knew them, it felt a lot longer. She had she had come up to me during lunch, I had thought she was crazy, people didn't come up to me to talk, everyone avoided me, even amongst my peers I was a social pariah, The irony was the same people who avoided me, ignored me then, now asked for my help, but this person who I had maybe said a handful of words to over the week broke that mold and came up to me, it was baffling, before either of us knew it it was the end of the dig, we promise to keep in touch, exchanging phone numbers before we both left. We have both been so excited that we were both going on the Maluku dig, for the full year the longest we ever seen each other at one time.

"She shouldn't have stayed, I told her to leave, she wouldn't listen. They came out of the forest, quick but not very well time, I shot the first two, they died, I hit the second two, they fell, but that didn't stop them and others from opening fire, they got me in the leg, but otherwise missed me, they hit the Jeep maybe a dozen or so times, but they hit Mak four times all in the chest, I tried to stop the blood, my hands were so very red, I couldn't, she died within a minute."

"God, Brennan, was she…" Cam starts but I know if I stop I won't be able to continue

I cut her off "Yeah, she was a friend, we met years ago. That's probably the only reason she didn't listen when I told her to leave, we both knew it would be a fight, and it wasn't a good idea at all, why would she do that? Why wouldn't she listen?" I ask not really wanting an answer, I take a breath snowing until only going to get worse from here, "I put the final four shots into the two who shot her.

Then I was quiet, I was in going to move if I can help it, I remember panting, kneeling in the blood, my leg was throbbing the bullet was a flesh wound, but it hurt.

They weren't going to move into until they were sure I wasn't going to be able to shoot them. It was silent for quite a while, maybe five minutes, I was hoping we could stay at a standstill until the others came back, I could hear the jeep, it could have been more than a quarter-mile away a minute drive or so, we all knew they were getting close, that if they got here before the locals got me, I would have the upper hand, they must've decided to risk it, the last six people they had around the site all came out, this time they timed it so they all came out nearly simultaneously, I fought,"

I realize that I was actually crying for the first time in front of someone since I turn this down Booth, I quickly reach up to wipe them away, but Cam's hand grips mine and squeezes in reassurance, maybe? Telling me I'm okay to cry? Didn't she know this was a sign of weakness, that I couldn't let them see me weak? But the look she's giving me, tells me not to fight on this topic. I attempt to ignore these thoughts as I continue.

"I fought hard, but there were too many, my leg couldn't support my weight, I fell down, they yanked me up, breaking my wrist, they told me that I was to call off to dig, force everyone to leave, I told him it wasn't my power, hoping I could buy some more time for the others get there, it took they took too long. They were ready, they had a Plan B, they figured if I wouldn't call it off myself, maybe one dead doctor, and another one kidnapped added to that, would be enough to call it off.

They took me to a site of their own, maybe 3 miles away at most, they end up dragging me mostly, I couldn't put much weight on my leg. I couldn't really fight much, they had tied my arm together and without my leg I knew I had no chance.

They shoved me into a dirt cell just inside one of the buildings, they left me down there for quite a while, when they came back they cut my shirt off, yanked my pants off, they took a set of chains and tightened it onto my arms before pulling on the other end, then when I was about two or three inches off the ground, they took two chains attached to the floor and hooked them to my feet, pulling any slack it had out, they tied a blind fold over my face, cutting off what little bit I could see. I heard them move away, then nothing until I felt a searing pain in my back, he took a knife and carved along my back," so much more painful then my worst cuts "'Mine', he carved 'mine' into the small of my back. He marked me as his, I didn't scream, I wouldn't give them that, but I wanted to. Then it got really quiet, he took a pipe filled with cement, whacked me right over where he cut, he hit me over and over, demanding I call off the dig, leave, I felt my ribs cracking, but I still told him no, that I wouldn't. Him and his friends tried everything to get me to break, whips, cattle prods, strangling me until I passed out, stress positions, dunking me in ice water, they…um, raped me a few times when the other stuff wouldn't work,"

I break off, should I tell her about the dreams, how the few times they'd let me sleep all I'd dream about was being back here, safe, solving murders with Booth, sometimes just everything we all did together, meals in the diner, drinks at the founding fathers, the holidays we all spent together, weather willing or not, inevitably came up, I don't think I explained it to Angela well enough, or I did and she was right, they all are going to leave.

"I wouldn't let it work, I got lucky, one time, about a month after the shooting at the dig site, the person had his guard down enough that I stole his gun, killed him, I shot and killed six others while I was escaping, I killed 7 people."

Before I had been able to mostly ignore this but now I couldn't breath as I look up, Cam's hand doesn't loosen it's grip like I expected it to. "You, did what most others wouldn't've done, and you got out alive, that's good, despite what you may think it's really, really good." She tells me, why doesn't she get that I'm no better then the murderers we put away, I could've shot them in the leg or arm, somewhere non-lethal, I chose to shoot to kill, it was my choice to kill them.

I debate weather or not to tell her this but figure it's better to just finish, let her think I'm a little better then I actually am, I know logically it will only work so much, after all now they know I'm broken "l ran and ran when I got out of the area, I ignored the pain in my ribs, the other doctors heard me just outside site 6, I had finally passed out from the pain about ten feet outside the site, when I woke up, I was on a helicopter to Darwin, they couldn't do more at the local hospital, I was apparently unconscious for five days, I had a fever from an infection that took a little too long to clear well enough that they could move me. I hadn't put anyone under next-of-kin when I left for the dig, figured it was better not to worry anyone if I could help it, wasn't worth it."

She opens her mouth to argue

I cut her off before she can begin "I was in the hospital for a month and a half before they released me. I went back to the dig, mostly so you guys would never know, you didn't need to. 10 days after I get back to Maluku, Caroline calls me, she tells me you need help, all of us need to come home, just another thing to keep from you, I told Daisy when were coming home not to tell Sweets or anyone, she promised me that she wouldn't. We came back, and you can figure out the rest." I look down at my hands, waiting for her to realize how broken I am and leave.

Cam's POV

After Brennan tells me what happened in the seven months she was gone I'm not quite sure who I'm more angry at, the monsters who tortured her or all of us who saw her nearly everyday and didn't think anything was wrong.

I remove my hand from hers her eyes shoot up and lock with mine, she was panicking, she thought I was leaving. She looks genuinely surprised when my thumb reaches up and I wipe away the tears she has streaming down her face, "None of us would've left if you had told us, none of us are going to leave now." I tell her truthfully, my hand moving back down, fingers interlinking with hers as she slowly drifts off to sleep, unlike last time, and maybe it is my imagination, but her face looked a little calmer.

* * *

So what do ya think

please review

until next time

beckettlovescastlealways


	11. Cold

_**A/N I'm so sorry this is so late, I had the worst case of writers block. I finally finished this during lunch and am posting this in the middle of English. Shhhh don't tell anyone.**_

* * *

**_You and I walk a fragile line_**

**_I have known it all this time_**

**_But I never thought I'd live to see it break_**

**_It's getting dark  
And it's all too quiet  
And I can't trust anything now  
And it's coming over you  
Like it's all a big mistake  
Oh holding my breath  
Won't lose you again  
Something's made your  
Eyes go cold  
Come on, come on  
Don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Something's gone terribly wrong  
You're all I wanted  
Come on, come on  
Don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Can't breathe whenever your gone  
Can't turn back  
Now I'm haunted  
Stood there and watched you walk away  
From everything we had  
But I still mean every word I said  
To you_**

* * *

Cold

My lip is nearly bleeding from me biting it, as I'm attempting to think what to do next, but all I can think about is what Brennan told me. My first thought was /why hadn't she told us?/ then it was /why didn't we ask if anything was bothering her?/ finally stopping on /how can we all be such crappy friends?/ but she didn't see it that way, she kept on saying how -/she/- wasn't worth it, how -/she/- was broken, that -/she/- was to blame. If the way she was talking was any indication I'd say she didn't blame us , that she thought she was completely to blame. She thought we'd pity her if we even stayed around, I knew why she thought it was logical, since she was fifteen no one close to her stay, no one fought for her, logically speaking why would we? When Booth, of all people, proved that no one was going to fight for her, she pushed us away. But we were all so wrapped up in our own lives that we didn't see, that she was pushing us away, that she was hurting. Hell, she still is. I'm hesitant to get up to leave to talk to the othersbut I see Angela coming in

"How is she?" She asks

"Physically? She'll be fine within a week, max, but mentally? She has a heck of a lot more going through her brain then we thought, not much of it good."

"Has she talked to you?"

I pause before lying. "No, she hasn't talked to me." Not planing on telling any of them what Brennan told me without her express permission

"What happened to your jaw?" Her fingers lightly tracing the bruise

I hesitate before telling her "She had a pretty bad nightmare, her hand hit me when I was trying to wake her." I shrug "It's no big deal."

She gives me a nod before sitting down

I slowly walkout of the room to the waiting room I see Sweets up ahead of me "Sweets," I half yell, running to catch up with him when he stops ahead of me I pull him to the side of the hall allowing for quasi-privacy "Have you tried talking to her since she woke up?"

He shakes his head saying "I haven't been able to, yet. Everyone else has been in and out I figured I'd let it slow down before I went in to talk to her."

"Okay, has Booth been around?"

"No, I thought you didn't want him around her until he shaped up."

"I don't particularly but, when it comes down to it, Brennan probably will, they were, at one point, close."

I see the shrink thinking for a moment or two until "okay, I'm still not sure this is the best option for her , let alone springing it on her, but I'll go find Booth, I think I may know where he is." He says walking I

toward the elevator

When he's well out of sight I push my hand through my hair trying to think.

Sweets POV

I don't know why I came here, but I had already tried the hospital gym, the Jeffersonian, the diner, and the Founding Fathers. I knew he had a key to here and it was close enough to the hospital to walk. I carefully take to handle surprise, though not entirely shocked, when it opens. My first few steps and I'm assaulted by an irony, humid scent. Blood. A few more steps in and it almost starts to smell sweet, mixed with the iron. When I get to the living room I can taste it on the air, almost making me gag. I knew some of the bodies I had encountered at the Jeffersonian were much worse than this, but I was very rarely at a place where the blood pooled and was allowed to dry. Looking away from the living room I turn towards the kitchen, and see the agent leaning against the counter reading a single sheet of paper, I had seen it on the table in the living room the night before but hadn't thought much of it, but looking at the agents face I can tell it's a pretty big deal. Taking a few tentative steps towards him I softly say "Booth?"

"Her suicide note." Is all he says hardening his face to show no emotion. "I know I probably shouldn't read it considering she's not dead."

"Why'd you leave?" I say inching closer, a note is a very good way to tell if she was completely serious about ending her life and what she thought about ending it, I'm not sure which way I want it to land, her feeling like she could without hurting anyone, just disappear or her knowing it would hurt those of us who care about her and doing it anyway. He does a kind of shrug then sighs but doesn't answer. "Dammit Booth, if you're not going to go to your partner in the hospital, call and tell her that, she deserves at least that much." I say losing my temper with the agent

"I'll go tell her, but I'm not going to tell her over the phone." He says putting the note down and walking out the door

Great /now/ what have I done first I help put the first nail in the coffin of their partnership, then I told Booth

that Brennan was leaving because I was angry, now I may have just handed him the final nail, some shrink, some friend, I am.

Brennan's POV

This time the dream's not as life like, the voices are garbled and warped to an extent, the colors aren't as vivid, this time I can distinguish between dreams and reality until the next one in the sequence comes up, I fight the chains binding me but then I hear a voice that's not in the dream

"Hey you're okay, sweetie you're okay." Angela. I hear the panic in her voice but at the same time she attempts to force it to be calm.

I jerk awake almost panicking, but I force my breath to calm to a reasonable speed.I watch her for a moment then say "I scared you." Estates looking at the artist, "the nightmare, scared you."

After a moment she nods looking away, "It's scary to see you, of all people, panicking. You don't panic, or do anything remotely similar to that. I'm not scared /of/ you, never, but when you're terrified like that, I'm scared /for/ you."

Just after she finishes her explanation there is a knock at the door, we both look up to see Booth leaning on the door, "Hey." He says still lingering at the threshold

Angela gives him a weary look, then a half smile, "Hey," she responds then looks back at me "I'll go talk to the others. You're okay here, sweetie?" She asked you and even I can tell she means /are you okay with him/ I have a bad "feeling" about how this next conversation is going to go, but Angela seems to think it's a good idea. I hesitantly nod yes

"Sure."

Booth gives me one of his charm smiles, and Angela nods and walks out of the room. Booth's saunters to the foot of the bed, far enough away to be just partners, close enough to act like he cares, "I haven't been around much lately." He tells me like I didn't know

I want to scream at him, that I know that, that this will probably be the longest we've talked about something other than working in months, but I didn't I just say "yeah, I've noticed." I see him flinch

"I read your note." he announces but it's quick to add, "Just the part you wrote to me, of course." The FBI agent tells me

"So that's where you went when you left."

He does one of his fake laughs and smiles, "Hodgins told you?" He asks

"No, Cam did, but she didn't have to, I saw the end of your…conversation." I state

"Oh…"

"Yeah, oh."

"Bones, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know."

"But I think I did some stupid things that hurt both of us. And I think, with what you're going through, I need to take a few steps back, if only until you are okay enough. When you decide that, you know where to find me." Is it funny that if I tried doing this to him it would likely become a permanent break?

But instead I just nod locking my mouth closed for fear of what might erupt out of it.

Why is he still talking "Bones, I know you owe me nothing, after what I just told you, but I'm hoping you'll answer, why'd you do it."

I take a deep breath "It wasn't all your fault, despite popular belief. I did it because every day it got a little harder, every day it got a little worse. I was, am, so tired of feeling. It's exhausting. I'm tired of feeling out of control. I'm sick of not being able to sleep or eat without memories overwhelming me. I'm drowning in them, to the point that I can't even breathe, let alone think.

I have you, and your girlfriend, and Angela, and Hodgins, and Sweets, and Cam and you all are either expecting me to break down from you moving on or expecting me to act like I'm totally okay, if I'm not then it has to be because you moved on, it couldn't possibly be anything else. I tried to take a step back and that sure as hell didn't work. So I tried to take an out, that way you could assume whatever you wanted." The room is still after I finish my mini speech

Booth doesn't answer after the first minute or the second on the third he turns and leaves the room.

Great, why the hell couldn't I keep my mouth shut, I had been doing pretty good this last year, why couldn't I hold it in for a little while longer?

* * *

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**Until next time**

**beckettlovescastlealways**


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